Overflow

It must be the time of year that I have my blog identity crisis, because I’m not sure anymore of what I’m doing here.

I write here for the discipline of daily writing. I write here to share the ragged edges of myself with people who know me — give them the chance to laugh at me or react to me in ways they might not if we were face to face. I write here to give myself a sort of institutional memory of myself. I write here to hold unfinished ideas for further consideration.

But mostly I write here to make connections, to feel part of a community. With a handful of wonderful exceptions, I feel like I’m failing on this account. In the lunchroom of the blog world, I feel like one of those kids who sit at lunch alone or with a few people I know. Like an introverted kid who does not fit in. Too Christian for the regular bloggers. Too regular for the Christian bloggers. Too… something. Or not enough… something.

Question is, does it matter? I can’t say.

Would I write in Overflow, knowing that I’ll never get more than, say, 15 unique visitors a day and only hear from two or three of them a few times a week? Seems like I should. Seems like my site stats shouldn’t matter to me, but they do.

And that’s the real question. I don’t want to whine about my hit count or my lack of comments or whatever. That’s not the point.

The point is that I care at all. Is that a good thing? Is my writing here just an egoistic indulgence? Does it increase my unhealthy attachments to esteem in the eyes of others? Lord knows I spend enough time distracted by egoistic pursuits based on my need for approval without the use of the Internet. Is this blog just one more unhealthy grab for attention?

I am resolutely unwilling to do many of the things I see in other blogs that might help me to get a larger readership. But for some reason, I am unable to let go of the disappointment I feel when I check my stats. Something has to go.

I need to let go of the disappointment with my stats and need for approval, of course, and just be myself. But do I have to let go of Overflow to do it? Is ego-less blogging even possible?

Hell, I don’t know. Damn.